How To Solve Your Roommate Problems

-Switch the sheets on your beds while she is at class
-Twitch a lot
-Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
-Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.
-Become a subgenius.
-Inject her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.
-Learn to levitate. When your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When she turns to look, fall back down and grin.
-Speak in toungues.
-Move your roommate's personal effects around. Start subtlely. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything she owns to the ceiling.
-Walk and talk backwards.
-Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them.
-Recite entire movie scripts (such as "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man" "Casablanca," "MOnty Python,""Princess Bride") almost inaudibly.
-Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a kazoo. In your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance class (or hit her with the wrench).
-Collect all your urine in a small jug.
-Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get her to bring you food.
-Get a computer. Leave it on when you're not using it. Turn it off when you are.
-Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks."
-Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.
-Collect dog poop in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you think the dog ate.
-Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry,demand that she reimburse you.
-Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of grievances.
-Buy three loaves of stale bread. Gorwn mold in the closet.
-Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse her of stealing it.
-Whenever she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with "didja ever wonder why..." Be creative.
-Put your mattress under your bed. Sleep down there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter "gotta save space" twenty times while twitching violently.
-Always flush the toilet three times.
-Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.
-Cry a lot.
-If you get in before your roommate, go to sleep in her bed.
-Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed...do so for a while, then jump really high and act like you hit your head on the ceiling.
-If your roommate goes away for the weekend, change the locks.
-Whenever her parents call and ask for your roommate, breathe into the phone for 5 seconds and then hang up.
-Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act to it every night, act like you're holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two weeks, say that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm. Blame your roommate.
-Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.
-Let mice loose in her room.
-Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.
-Eat a bag or marshmallows before you go to bed. The next day, spray three bottles of whipped cream all over you floor. Say you got sick.
-Hand stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk by them, utter "You shouldn't have don that do me."
-Lick her while they are asleep.
-Dress in drag.
-Speak into a walkie talkie in trucker's term.
-Divide the floor into an 8 x 8 grid. Arrange piles or laundry, books, pizza boxes, etc. on the grid and tell your rooommate that you've turned the room into a chess game and not to move any of the piles.
-Cover one of your walls with Polaroids of fire hyrants from all over the city. Tell your roommate that you think you were a dog in a former life. Stare Lovingly at the hydrants and make frequent trips to the bathroom.
-Eat an entire bag of cheese curls at once. When you are finished, see how many times you can make orange finger prints from all of the cheese junk left on your fingers.
-Wear the most obnoxious orange hat that you can find. Convince your roommate and everybody else that if they don't wear an orange hat, they will be hit by stray bullets.
-Point west at 3:00 A.M. every night and yell, "It came from that way."
-Walk around in circles all the time. Complain that your turn signal is stuck.
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